My First Spray Tan
Originally I had no intention of attending the Bridal Fashion Debut in an effort to continue my crusade as Roberta Rebellion. But then my mom said something about a free spray tan and my inner Jersey Shore resident got all fist pump-y. So I set my alarm for 11:30, put on my best “I’m excited to be here” face and entered the Phoenix Convention Center.
Luckily my mom understood my feelings about weddings (she was, after all, one of four people to read my last blog) and did her best to walk rapidly past the booths offering free color consultations (Are you an Autumn Bride? Find out now!) But all this pales in comparison to the real reason we were there.
FREE SPRAY TAN
This was my first airbrush spray tan and since I was nervous about the unusual conditions, it would not be done quietly. Most people get the luxury of going into an enclosure while someone sprays you with vanilla scented goo, but we’re Segalls, which means everything must be done publically and with little concern for other people’s tastes.
I had done all the pre-tan exfoliating and was ready to get my bronze on. The only thing left to do was pull my hair securely out of my face and then delicately disrobe in front of an estimated crowd of OH MY GOD WHAT WAS I THINKING?!
It should be said (so I’m gonna) that this sort of exhibitionism is not for the weak. I would’ve expected to see one of those roller coaster warnings outside the booth which would read:
- Do not spray tan unless you are this tall
- Do not attempt spray tan if you suffer from high blood pressure, diabetes, certain heart conditions, or a body-image high school trauma that you still talk about in therapy
- Consult a physician before doing something that is totally and completely insane
But I will say that after the original shock of wearing glorified underwear in front of a crowd wore off, I felt sort of free. Not in a “freeballin’” sort of way, but I felt free to be less self conscious in everyday situations.
Practically naked in public and not getting arrested.
Take THAT, College.
Anytime a new crowd would gather I would first try to slow down my heart rate from “sprint” to “light jog,” but then I would quickly turn into my smug self and scoff at the lesser beings outside the booth. Yeah, YOU’RE not this brave. It occurred to me that if I can be this naked in front of onlookers, then I shouldn’t be so embarrassed when I go to the grocery store without lip gloss. Not that I would ever do that, of course, but theoretically I felt like I had experienced a moment of Zen.
After my human car wash, I was thankfully able to put all my clothes back on and join the rest of the Puritans. Then my mom got into the action. So, yeah, she’s brave as hell too.
Many thanks go out to Scottsdale Salon and Spray Tan. They were a blast to hang out with while I was having my panic attack. Not to mention the fact that we now look pleasantly sun-kissed without the steaming hot side of cancer.
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